When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I am, perchance
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.