It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
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So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
why no one uses midhusbands
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10