It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
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Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
What personal space?
My dog
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)