It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
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(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.