It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
You Might Also Like
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I love the National Park Service.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts