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squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.