@DarzieDAMN: It's not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It's just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.
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@tastefactory: *I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard* Neighbor: Great Halloween display! Me: What is halloween?
@ArfMeasures: [After winning an award] HOST: Is there anyone you'd like to thank? ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not