Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
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I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
🙋♀️
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference