It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.