It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
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I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
gentlemen, hear me out
Happy thanksgiving!