Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
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Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
God has left this place
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.