“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
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WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Breaking news:
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I forgot how to panic. Help
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery