@meganamram: "It's not you, it's me." - Humidity, to Heat
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@Donnie_Fairburn: [Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man] "Hey" Hi "Can I ask you something?" Yup "Why'd you name the dog 'Another Man' babe?"
@FeelingEuphoric: [begging for change] POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I'm SO CLOSE POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
@Skoogeth: dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood! me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now? dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol