@meganamram: "It's not you, it's me." - Humidity, to Heat
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@vladchoc: For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say "Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?"
@Dutch_50: My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle - "Take one multivitamin daily." Hmmm
@Parentpains: She said she was burning with desire, so I threw a bucket of water at her. Dating is bullshit.
@CulturedRuffian: For Lent I've decided to give up my New Year's Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.