@kelkulus: "It's not you, it's me." - Identical twins arguing over a photo.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at restaurant] Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine's Day! How many? Me: Just one, thanks. Wife (clears throat): Two.
@iAmJuddy: Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white... Me: Black bread. Chef: We don't have that. Me: Racist.
@NicCageMatch: A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
@TheAlexNevil: All the king's horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.