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@DirtMcTurd: "Its not you. Its me."
~ twins going through a photo album
@GrumpyComments: Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
@dyldonot: [tv interview]
I'm with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
@samuelhlowe: - Police, open the door.
- What do you want?
- We just wanna talk.
- How many of you are there?
- Well just talk to each other.
@JohnFugelsang: Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
@adult_keverage: Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.