“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
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jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them