@samalmightysam: "It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos
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@leahlovescheez: My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
@iLikeCatShirts: Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn't want to dance anymore.
@Beesthegame: [Pulled over] Sir do you know how fast you were going? MY DOG IS IN LABOR! Oh! In that case *scribbles* Here is a ticket for littering.
@FattMernandez: I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let's go for pancakes.