“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
You Might Also Like
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.