@stephandyer: "It's not you, it's meat" - vegan break up
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@ghostkrogh: [at funeral] My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say- *casket is lowered into the ground* -he was down to earth.
@sip_at_home_mom: Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling "Ta-da!" so he won't get in trouble. Stealing it.
@dubstep4dads: [using ouija board] R2...L2....L1....R2...LEFT...DOWN... "what the hell?" [everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
@JohnLyonTweets: -Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. -He has sex with fish? -He's dead. -I'm not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn't sound very safe.