“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
The first matador
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.