Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Lassie, get help!
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.