‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
You Might Also Like
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.