@byrdie_num_num: It's now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, 'trophy wife' has become rather ambiguous.
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@AimeeHelene1: *picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms* *replaces them with Flintstones vitamins* You looked a little sickly.
@pmclellan: Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I'm pretty sure I'm going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a bird. Penguin: yay! God: but you can’t fly. Penguin: why? God: you need way more feathers to fly. Penguin: oh. well that’s fair. [flying squirrel glides by] Penguin: God: technically that’s not flying lol.
@Tommytoughstuff: [Job interview] "Under "skills" you have odd compliments." "You look like you'd have soft bones. "Thank you?"