When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
These work great until they don’t.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.