Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
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me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
my mom making me talk to relatives
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.