It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
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Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Bond. Trauma bond.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.