It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
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i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
🙂🐾
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden