“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
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AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on