When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Name this drama.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.