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Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.