My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Message from the dog groomers
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?