It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
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[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.