@Ideal_Victoria: It's official... My voice is incapable of making, "Thanks. I appreciate that" not sound sarcastic.
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@theshamingofjay: The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.
@shanethevein: The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking.
@Angrytrashman: I grew up in a time where your mothers saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
@petemandik: My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.