It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
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5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
that colleague who touches your screen
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.