It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
You Might Also Like
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*