It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo