It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
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My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes