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WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
rapatouille
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn