@mdob11: 'It's ok, I'm from the internet', I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
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@Reverend_Scott: Inspirational tweet: There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.
@GoddessTitty: Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
@AndrewNadeau0: HER: It’s a gender reveal party. ME: To tell the sex of the baby. HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
@IamEnidColeslaw: today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING