@mdob11: 'It's ok, I'm from the internet', I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
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@JessObsess: My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
@truegritrumble: ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis. ME: Yep. ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.