@mdob11: 'It's ok, I'm from the internet', I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
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@Chumpstring: GENIE: u have 3 wishes ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear GENIE: k ME: a blue one GENIE: righto ME: now make Kanye hear out of it GENIE: dude
@IdStandOnThat: My daughter just said, "Daddy, you're good looking & not fat like other dads." She's only 10, but we're headed to the BMW dealership now.
@IRLPepperMD: *talking to mailman* So are you like, made of mail? *mailman laughs* "sure, kid" So that must mean.. *fireman & garbageman walk by* Holy shi