‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
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maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools