Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
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just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Happy thanksgiving
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.