It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
You Might Also Like
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.