It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
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Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.