It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
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*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney