It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
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One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
That’s enough internet for the day
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
thanks auntie mary
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Choose your fighter
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.