@thatcarlygirl: "It's okay, little buddy. Mommy cries when her bottle is empty, too."
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@jonnysun: WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
@WheelTod: *Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter "Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don't learn how to spell."
@Black__Elvis: I wanted to major in marine biology but those guys get pretty upset when you follow them into the latrine with a tape measure.