Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
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[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read