The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
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Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
#dalle2
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
She was REALLY feeling it.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit