It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
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Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Happy thanksgiving
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.