My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Seas the day!!!!
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
somebody come look at this
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.