It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
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take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
decorating my apartment
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel