It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
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I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
HERE’S MARKY
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
yall want some gasoline milk
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
$3 #books
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever