“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
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*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”