It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
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“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Haha good job!!
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[loses house key, starts a new life]
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
motivation