It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
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“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I only treason on days ending in y
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Ironic
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.