It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
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Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Matt Goss
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.