It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
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It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.